Disappointment or Opportunity?

Today, for the second time in two months, I was delayed in my chemotherapy schedule.  I'm scheduled to go every other week, but it all depends on my platelet count. The ideal is 100 or over but we squeak by when they are around 75.  Today they were 64. That is a no go.

I'm disappointed because I want to stay on schedule. I want to be able to plan this out to the end of this round which is only three treatments away. I want to get past it so I can focus on summer, preparing for surgery, and envisioning what is ahead after we get past the world of cancer treatment.  But disappointed or not, I have no control over this.

There is nothing to be done for the platelet count.  Your platelets regenerate every 2-3 weeks on their own.  They will not be rushed with steak, sunshine, rest, wearing red, or any of the other things I've tried.  The odd thing is that I don't feel run down or depleted.  In all honesty, the day I go to chemo is usually one of the days I feel the best.  Most chemo patients will tell you that about the time they start feeling better, it's time for the next cycle.  I generally have a week or so of feeling good between treatments. I had enough energy to survive this past weekend of performances of the play Sara was in.

The last time I was delayed was in March.  That delay meant that I wouldn't be coming off chemo the weekend of Sara's play which I took as a huge relief and a blessing.  Working and watching the play through three performances is hard enough without the added drag of recovering from chemo.  This time it means that I have an extra week to enjoy being with Sara.  The past few weeks have been full of play preparations and after school stuff.  We have no after school activities this week.  Because of the testing going on at school, Sara has no homework this week.  And now I'm feeling good and have a break from chemo.  This is a perfect storm of school year bliss for me. For both of us. So instead of feeling bad from chemo, I get to enjoy unscheduled time with Sara.  

Cancer is teaching me, or rather forcing me, to be more flexible and less scheduled.  I'm trying to view these delays in a positive light.  The delays are disappointing because I just want to get to the end.  I made a promise to Sara when this started that when I felt good, we would do fun things. That we wouldn't let cancer steal our joy. So I'm viewing this extra week as a free week for spontaneous fun and restful nights.  

Memory and Reason

It's funny what your brain will conjure up in the wee hours of the morning when you should be sound asleep. It's 5 am and I might as well call it 6:30 because I'm not going back to sleep.

There so much about college that has drifted off into the recesses of my brain but for whatever reason, this sticks out.  In college I worked in an office in downtown Athens. I was 21 or 22 and working part time. I worked for a small business - a sole proprietor with about 5 other full time employees.  That job taught me a lot about professionalism and work ethics. And resilience when life throws a monkey wrench into your well functioning life. The business owner was about 35 with one-year old twin boys. I got to know his wife who was diagnosed with colon cancer that year.

I remember vividly the conversation when he told his small office staff. He talked briefly about their plan for her care - help from family, chemotherapy, surgery, etc. Then he shifted gears to the practical - the business had to keep going. It provided their sole source of income, health insurance, and jobs for five people. He told us that he would do what he needed to do for her, but he also had to be present at work.  In a way, that was for her too. It wouldn't help if their income stream dried up while she was sick.

I remember seeing her during treatment. Much like me she didn't lose her hair but opted for a low maintenance short cut.  I remember baby sitting the boys when she was sick and her family wasn't available to help.

I think about all this in the early morning darkness, and I wonder about her. I moved from Athens nearly 20 years ago. But alas, there is Facebook. I looked her up. There she is smiling with her husband and two grown boys. It made me smile to see them all together smiling back at me from my iPad. She is a 20-year survivor. She has been able to see her kids grow up. It gives me hope that I'll be there in 10+ years with my smiling grown up kid.