November 16 - The News

"You have a mass and it looks like cancer. We took a biopsy to be sure."

And with that the fog descended. The next few days and weeks would pass in a blur of doctors, waiting rooms, testing facilities, and questions. 

In October I was at my family doctor following up on my blood clots from the summer when I mentioned that I was still having digestive system issues.  He didn't think it was serious but he sent me to a GI specialist for a colonoscopy. My mom was with me on the Sunday before my appointment for my liquid diet.  We took Sara to school and headed to my appointment on Monday morning. The procedure itself isn't that big of a deal because you are asleep for it. Sitting in the waiting room and realizing you are the youngest person in the room by decades was kinda weird, but that was shades of what was to come.

It was my GI doctor who delivered the news after the procedure. I'm thankful that my mother was in the room when he explained everything.  My mother is level headed and practical, and she makes me laugh.  Between hearing the word cancer and the hunger from 36+ hours without solid food, my cognitive function was at its nadir. He said, "Things are going to happen pretty fast now." In my 42 years, I've learned that when a medical doctor says those words, they mean it. These are not people prone to hyperbole or soap opera type drama. Things did happen fast.  The nurse came in to set everything up and I was too dumbfounded to do anything but nod.  I walked out of the office with appointments with a surgeon, an endoscopy and ultrasound, and a CAT scan. Thus began a trend of trading one appointment for two or three more.

As we walked out of the office shell shocked, my mother said, "You need to think about what you are going to tell your Daddy." I nodded.  I said, "what am I going to tell Sara?"  The rest of the day my head was spinning with questions, things to do, plans to be made.  I knew right away that I wasn't ready to tell Sara.  Mom and I decided that she would deal best with facts so we would wait until we knew more before we told her.  It was also 10 days before Thanksgiving. I couldn't tell my friends yet.  I didn't have the words.  I was trying to act normal even though I was sleepwalking through my days and lying awake with my mind spinning at night.