When I started this blog a year ago, I knew I would have to write this post eventually. It’s been on my mind all year. This is the most difficult topic to discuss because it is so personal. In the past few months I have written about stuff and I am not emotionally attached to stuff so it has been easy to get rid of it, analyze it, and write about it. I am not an introspective person by nature so analyzing abstract and esoteric things like emotions does not come easily for me.
This post is about letting go of expectations and gaining appreciation. The past few years have been a bit of a roller coaster for us personally. We decided two plus years ago that we were ready to have another child. So we set about doing what you do to make that happen. It didn’t happen. My eggs were ticking (loudly) so we started down the fertility treatment road. I found out that I was pregnant in October 2010. We were very excited but mostly we were relieved. After quite a bit of effort, we were able to check that box. Fertility stress is unlike many other stresses you will endure in a marriage. It makes you question your body, your decisions, your partner, the universe, etc. Most of all, it makes you keenly aware of every other pregnant woman within a 3000-mile radius. If you don’t watch yourself, you can become bitter, jealous, and so unstable that Michele Duggar on the cover of People at the grocery store will send you into a depressive spiral or a screaming rage. (I never did this, by the way.)
We were quiet about the pregnancy not wanting to jinx it by talking about. The 8 weeks ultrasound looked good, but around 11 weeks I noticed that I wasn’t gaining weight anymore, and by the time I got to my 12 week appointment, I was in a full blown panic. Thank God that Rob was with me at that appointment. I knew from the moment the ultrasound began that something was wrong. Rob knew. We just needed to be told officially. This was 10 days before Christmas and three days before we were going to tell our daughter and our families. The next day we navigated the remnants of an ice storm from the previous day to get to the hospital for the D&C. It was a dreadful day at the hospital and nothing went smoothly. The next day I felt physically okay and tried to get busy getting ready for Christmas which was now 8 days away. We managed to get through the holidays by focusing on the holidays. (This is a common coping mechanism for a Vulcan like me.) We wanted to make sure that our daughter had a joyous 4-year old girl Christmas. When we were finally able to deal with the emotional side, it was January and the pain was still there but wasn’t quite so raw.
In April we visited a fertility doctor for more drugs, tests, shots, tests, ultrasounds, etc. We followed the regimen for three months. I was at the fertility doctor’s office every week for something, and I began to feel as if I knew the nurse’s 5-year old grandson personally having heard so much about him during my weekly blood lettings. After the third unsuccessful attempt, I declared us done. I was tired of being poked and prodded. I was tired of the financial and emotional drain. But most of all I was tired of forcing things to be something they obviously were not meant to be. And did I mention that I was tired? Rob agreed. He was tired too. We had gone down the fertility road as far as we were willing to go, and together we decided it wasn’t meant to be. Over the next few months we came to accept that this was where we were – parents of an only child.
Since we called it quits on fertility treatments we have been reclaiming what is normal in our life. Letting go of the expectation of another child has been both sad and liberating. This is something we definitely wanted. We held onto it for a long time thinking that wishing and praying would make it so. Continuing to hope for that second child meant that we were putting so many other things in our life on hold – remodeling, redecorating, vacations, etc. – because we didn’t want to paint that room if a baby was on the way. Why replace the carpet if a baby is going to show up and pee all over it? Why get rid of the crib, the changing table and the Boppy pillows if we are going to have another one? Letting go of the possibility of a second child means that I can let go of the stuff. And by letting go of the stuff has made it easier to let go of that dream.
As we reflected on it and accepted our new reality, we were able to appreciate all that we have. Our daughter is healthy and happy. We are able to give her the full benefit of our emotional and financial resources. We get to attend all of her activities, be involved at her school and be fully present for her. That isn’t to say that being parents of an only child is the right thing for all but it is the right thing for us. Even though this is not how we planned it, we are at peace with our life. I have learned that in life you don’t get what you earn, you don’t get what you want, you don’t get what you pray for. You get what you are supposed to have and you have to accept that there is more to it than what you are able to see. In the words of Pinkalicious’ mom, “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.” Or perhaps you prefer John Lennon, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
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