Good is Good Enough

I got good news from my oncologist on Tuesday. It wasn't great or miraculous news, but it was good. It wasn't what I was expecting though. I was looking forward to a break from chemo and surgery to remove the masses. When this journey started my oncologist recommended six months of chemo and then surgery. My surgeon wanted three months of chemo then surgery. I liked his plan better so that's what I was hoping for. But that is not what we are doing. My mother told me that I may have had my expectations too high. It's possible that's true, but I don't want to lower the bar here. I want to keep expecting great and possibly even miraculous results.  Instead I think I need to reframe my assessment of my progress.

Here is the data. I have a copy of my CT report comparing the pre-chemo CT to the 3-month treatment CT.  I read it. Then re-read it. Then read it while my mom googled medical terms. I think I've got it. The report used the term "markedly reduced" to describe the mass on my liver. My oncologist seemed happy with this. I did the math and found that it has shrunk by about 25% with six treatments. That number sounds good to me. It's still too big for surgery at this point. So we do more chemo and hope for a similar or greater reduction. The lymph node that showed signs of cancer prior to chemo appears clear now. My bladder, uterus, and ovaries "appear unremarkable" which is CT speak for no visible signs of cancer.  All good news.  The cancer we knew of is shrinking and there isn't new cancer popping up. The chemo is working its cytotoxic magic in my body.

Chemo #7 started this week. I should finish up #12 right as Sara gets out of school for the summer. On the morning of chemo #7, I was a big whiny baby about having another three months of this. When Sara whined that she didn't want to get out of bed.  I crawled in bed with her and said "I don't wanna go to chemo.  They're mean to me and make me feel bad."  After a few minutes of mutual whining, we decided we could not live in bed so we got up. I'm quite sure after a 2-3 month break from chemo for surgery, I would be an even bigger baby going back. As my mom and Shawn pointed out we've got momentum behind us. Plus we have a system down for this chemo thing. Day 1 we drop Sara at school, head to McDonalds for a bacon egg and cheese biscuit (high calorie / high protein diet), arrive at the infusion center for my appointment, survey the room for the best seat, get hooked up, recline, podcast, nap, and leave with my pump and fashionable fanny pack. My mom will read, crochet, or go shopping if the waiting room chatter is too annoying. Day 2 is loafing or low effort tasks. Day 3 I finish up by getting unhooked from the pump and sleeping the rest of the day. On Day 4 and 5 I rest a lot and slowly return to normal so I can go back to work on Day 6. And so it will go for five more treatments. 

I'm hoping that I'll be ready for surgery after the 12 treatments are complete. I know I will not be completely done with chemo because I will likely have to do clean up / maintenance chemo to ensure everything is gone. I'm just hoping the biggest chunk is over by mid-May and that my body keeps tolerating it and responding well.