The Waiting is the Hardest Part

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part
     - Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers

I'm terrible at waiting.  I get antsy and anxious.  I tend to jump ahead and guess what's coming.  I'll use any small thing as an omen.  Good parking place = good luck. Long wait = bad news they're trying to sort out.  Good nurse stick on my blood draw = easy chemo.  For a scientist, I'm awfully superstitious.

I had a PET scan on Monday, and Wednesday I had my follow up with the nurse practitioner (NP) to find out about the scan results.  Naturally, I was anxious.  That morning I was running late (bad omen), but I caught a lot of green lights on Kingston Pike (good omen). My parking place was decent (neutral).  There were no annoying loud-talking people in the waiting room (good).  The nurse stick was easy (good). Then I had to wait about 40 minutes for the NP (worse).  It wasn't my favorite NP, Lisa, that walked in (bad). I've almost worked myself into a tizzy before she starts talking.

The news was mixed but generally good.  I think.  The lesions on my lungs are now showing no activity (no cancer metabolism going on there).  That's good.  It's what I've been praying for since my last scan in June.  The mass on my liver is more active but generally the same size as the last scan.  My tumor marker was up but not drastically so.  It was 1.5 in November and 4.9 in December.  Below 3 is normal.  I extended my chemo to every three weeks in October and November to accommodate travel plans. I guess it is possible for the change in schedule to impact the tumor marker number, but I'm not a doctor.  This is cause for attention but not panic.

I will see my surgeon in three weeks and my oncologist again after that.  Three weeks! That's the earliest appointment I could get. That's three weeks to speculate, worry, and stew on it.  Three weeks to generate a proper omen scorecard.  Or depending on my mood, it's three weeks of freedom without chemo or a doctor's appointment.  I will try to focus on the latter and keep the worrying and tallying at bay.  Luckily, I have the distraction of the holidays and lots to do at work.

God is teaching me patience, and I'm a slow learner, apparently.